Questions of a Hurt Heart

This is just another bad day right?

I mean tomorrow or even tonight will be better?

This lonely, worthless feeling is just temporary?

But why then, does it keep coming back?

When things are busy and I can’t sit it goes away but always returns

I can’t have it; no I’m really a happy person, most of the time.

What is wrong with me then?

Is it just homesickness? Or can I not move on?

Am I scared of something?

What?

It seems like these “episodes” are becoming more frequent.

I’ve always been a happy person so what changed?

I hate feeling bad.

Of course it isn’t the worst it’s been but still

What promotes this?

I need someone to hold me but it seems like the people I have that would aren’t the right ones.

Work keeps me happy because I can’t think about myself.

Yesterday was a good day but then something changed.

Why can’t I just be happy today?

What would make me happy?

I guess what I miss is a best friend.

I haven’t found one here yet.

Should I just move home then?

But what’s there for me anymore?

No one really.

Everyone moved away and those that didn’t it doesn’t matter.

Of course there is my family and I love them but that doesn’t seem to be what’s missing.

I want to be held and told that everything will be ok.

I hate these tears rolling down my face telling me I’m losing it!

Why can’t I hold it together and just move on?!?!?

Where can I turn for peace?

I know He’s there but sometimes it doesn’t feel like it’s enough!

What am I doing that keeps eating at my heart?

I don’t like being by myself all the time when I’m here

I don’t need a guy to make me happy but for Heaven’s sake can’t I get a friend?

Someone who knows me better than I know myself?

Someone to make me laugh and hold my hand when I cry?

Oh well I guess you can’t have everything.

Life will go on at some point.

Let’s just hope I’m moving with it.

My family is CRAZY!

Ok well this weekend my cousin Brice from the Swope side got married. He's a month and a week younger than me so it's strange to think I'm one of the only ones my age not married. With wedding fever going all around the family and let's face it, Idaho, my oldest sister-in-law, Sarah, my older cousin Maleri and my younger cousin Jenni decided we would go shopping. We convinced the boys to watch the kids and we set out to have Girls Night Out in Pocatello. Let me just say I have never had a more educational conversation!! Quite hilarious actually. When you have older, more experience and VERY open family members you no longer need to take a Sex Ed!! Talk about awkward! I got the talk from almost EVERYONE in my family this weekend. Anyways with the whole wedding fever going on we headed to a bridal shop after buying rings for me and Jenni for $6.50. Maleri suggested our husbands names be Peter and Dick. Yes I know. But the trying on part was too fun and we all are anxious for the next wedding in a few years or more really. But needless to say, I had the best time and love my family all the more. Especially the crazy ones! Thanks for a great day ladies!

Homesickness Sucks...

Current Music: Hands Down by Dashboard
Mood: Kinda lonely

Well I woke up this morning to a guy opening my bedroom door!! I had slept in until 11:30 and since we are in between semesters, the apartments are all being cleaned. I guess they thought I would be gone...nope! I went for a run and then took a shower and went into town by myself since everyone is gone. I hate being lonely like this. On the upside, it is a BEAUTIFUL day!! It is about seventy degrees right now! And for Idaho at this time of year this is almost unheard of! I'm laying on my bed right now and the sun is shining in my window right onto me! So that makes the mood better. But at the same time it makes me miss NC all the more. Three years ago I never would have thought I would miss it. There is so much I miss and a lot of it is the memories but hey life goes on. I wish I could figure out what I wanted to do for sure and where I needed to be. When I go back to NC I'm sure it'll give me a better idea of what I want to do. It'll all be ok... right?

The Way It Be

WELL AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE I HAVE MANY OPTIONS, BUT OF COURSE I'M NOT SURE WHICH ONE TO TAKE. THE LORD HAS THE MOST SAY IN MY LIFE AND I'D LIKE TO SAY I LISTEN EVERY TIME BUT WE ALL KNOW I'M NOWHERE NEAR PERFECT. I'M NOT TAKING ANY CLASSES HERE AT SCHOOL, JUST WORKING. I'M NOT SURE IF I'M JUST HOMESICK BECAUSE I MISS THE BEACH AND I'M HORMONAL OR IF I REALLY NEED TO GO HOME. IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN. BUT I FEEL I HAVE NO REASON TO STAY HERE EXCEPT THAT THERE ARE A LOT OF CHURCH MEMBERS HERE. BUT THEN AGAIN NC ISN'T OFFERING A WHOLE LOT EITHER. ALL MY FRIENDS FROM THERE HAVE MOVED WEST OR ARE GOING TO SCHOOL IN ANOTHER TOWN. SO AT THIS POINT I'M NOT EVEN SURE. I WISH IT WAS JANUARY SO I COULD JUST GO ON MY MISSION. I'M SO EXCITED TO GO. IT WILL BE AN EXPERIENCE OF A LIFETIME AND WILL PREPARE ME FOR MY TRUE CALLING IN LIFE AND MY BIGGEST DREAM AND DESIRE, BEING A WIFE AND MOTHER. SO MUCH OF ME WANTS TO BE A NURSE AND TAKE CARE OF PEOPLE IN AFRICA BUT EVEN MORE THAN THAT I JUST WANT TO BE A MOM. I'M NOT SURE IF IT'S MY BIOLOGICAL ALARM CLOCK GOING OFF OR WHAT. I'M NOT REALLY IN A RUSH BY ANY MEANS, I KNOW THERE IS MUCH TO BE DONE BEFORE I'M READY (AS READY AS YOU CAN BE) BEFORE ANY OF THAT HAPPENS BUT I AM A BIT ANXIOUS. ANYWAYS ALL IN ALL I REALLY SHOULDN'T COMPLAIN. I HAVE AN AMAZING FAMILY AND WONDERFUL FRIENDS. I JUST NEED TO MAKE THIS SITUATION WORK FOR ME. BECAUSE EVERYDAY CAN BE TOUGH BUT THAT IS LIFE SO TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF SALT, RUN WITH IT AND LAUGH THE WHOLE TIME (EVEN IT'S THE LAUGHTER OF SOMEONE GOING INSANE). LAUGHING HELPS ALMOST ANYTHING.